glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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