distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
