im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
