Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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