Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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