So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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