there's paper in my vomit.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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