I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
