Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They took my balls.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
