My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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