dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
