The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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