I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
