im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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