i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
