I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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