I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
