The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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