You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
