it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
