What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
