i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
