Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
