when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
