3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
