an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
