My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
