Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
