I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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