I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
