Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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