I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
