Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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