I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
