I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
