Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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