Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
