watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
