I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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