i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
