Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
