i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
