I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
