I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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