Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
