My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
