I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Houston, we have a blender
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
