the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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