I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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