my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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