It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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