I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
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I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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