Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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