capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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