im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
