Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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