you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
