Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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