It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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