well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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