I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
